Written by: Lemuel Teo (Photo by: Ronald Lim)

A parable from riding bicycles

At times my relationships could be described as “transactional”, with “love” being the currency: You celebrated my birthday, so I’ll take pains to celebrate yours; You brought a gift back from an overseas trip, so I’ll try to reciprocate somehow. This particular view on relationships crept into my walk with God — I’ll sacrifice of my time and energy to trade for the feeling of being loved by God — until He broke it on one momentous day.

I still vividly remember the setting. It was a hip new café, tucked away in an ulu corner of Siglap. I had made special plans to keep myself free that day, with the intention to read the Word, talk to Jesus, and journal to my heart’s content. I hadn’t had the time and space of heart to spend such quality time with God in recent weeks, so I was really looking forward to it.

“If you love me, keep my commands…Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them”…Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them. Anyone who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me. (John 14:15, 21, 23-24 NIV)

As I read John 14, something in my heart immediately cried out: ”Father, am I loved by you? Will you come to me and make Your home in me?” I longed to experience the promises enshrined in these precious verses; I yearned to be found as one who loves the Father and as one whom the Father loves. As I re-read these verses time and time again, the deep desperation for the Father’s affirmation started to drift away, as a sense of horrific regret overwhelmed the initial longing. I knew I hadn’t been faithful in keeping His commands and obeying His teachings. Surely it is game over — my life cannot match up to the conditions needed to receive these promises Jesus made.

The times I placed something else over God ran havoc in my head: spending my time entertaining myself over Instagram or YouTube more than carving out a sacred time with my Father; how I avoided an “emotionally needy” friend because I simply didn’t want to spend my energy on “being there for them”. I had not loved God and people as much as I should, disqualifying me from receiving His love and affirmation.

Yet, I also remembered the times when I did show that I loved God more than my own comforts. On several occasions, I gave up attending friends’ birthday parties due to ministry commitments in church. I have always strived to be an exemplary Christian to those around me. Doesn’t this qualify me for His love and presence?

Torn between both perspectives whilst thinking about the passage, I felt confused and powerless. Thankfully, God was not content to leave me there, as He cast light into the murky quandary. He revealed that I had a performance mindset, whereby I was constantly trying to prove my love and devotion to Him in exchange for His love and affirmation. The God I had in my mind was out of character from the God in the Bible; He is one who loves without reservation.

The performance mindset in me shouted, “Obeying what God says, proves your love for Him.” But Jesus had a directly opposite viewpoint, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching” (John 14:23). The Holy Spirit was telling me that there was a cause-and-effect relationship — the cause, loving Jesus, would lead to the effect of obeying His teachings. It has never been about obeying Him to prove my love for Him.

Looking out the café windows, I saw people cycling past. They looked so carefree cruising along the back alleys, especially when compared to walking in the sticky heat. The gentle breeze that caught bits of loose clothing made them look even more shiok. God started speaking to me in a parable, almost as if I was tucked into the crowd, listening to Jesus’ sermon on the mount. Just as the bicycle has been designed to move forward with ease when you step on its peddles, man has been designed to obey His teachings, readily, when we love Jesus. When we focus on loving Jesus, obedience will flow as a natural result.

I learnt a spiritual lesson that day from observing cyclists on their bicycles: use the bicycle in the way it has been designed to work.

Just as the bicycle was designed to move ahead as we step on the peddles, we were designed to experience life abundantly as we love on Jesus. We should not aim to exchange sacrifice and devotion to get His love or the feeling that we are loved. Instead, let us start from a position of loving Jesus, where our obedience can become the natural outflow. The cause-and-effect relationship highlighted in John 14 is this: as you love Jesus, you will naturally obey His teachings.

Adopting a performance mindset that strives to prove my love for Jesus is akin to getting a bicycle to move without stepping on its peddles. I can try means and ways to get the bicycle moving — pushing it from the side, or pulling it from the front — but it will eventually tire me out and I wouldn’t go very far. The bicycle was not designed to be used like that. Similarly, in our walks with God, we can try means and ways to show God how much we love Him — religiously doing our QT, avoiding sin like a plague — but we wouldn’t go very far should our focus not be on loving Jesus.

I am still learning to move away from a transactional mindset in my walk with God. I am learning to stop exchanging my works for the feeling of love and acceptance from the Father. Obeying Jesus does not equate to loving Him. Oftentimes, I have used church ministry as an indicator of how much I love Jesus because I am willing to obey and walk in His calling. I have credited the good things I do for others as love for Jesus. While doing ministry and serving others are good things, they might distract us from really loving Jesus. I still have to spend time alone with the Father, with no agenda other than to know Him better.

Maybe you have another way of proving your love for Jesus by doing what He commands — be it through ministry or doing social outreaches. But let us not get distracted from the call to, first and foremost, love Him; obedience shall flow as a natural result, for this is our design. Brothers and sisters, may you ever choose to cycle in your journey.