Written by: Marcus Goh (Photo by: Marvin Ng)

When God wanted me to look deeper

“You’ll never have a second chance to create a good first impression.”

Growing up, I had always thought that first impressions were important. First impressions were emphasised in my family, because leaving a good and lasting impression on others was seen as crucial. Mannerisms and personal grooming reflected an individual’s upbringing, hence the impetus to appear presentable. I was also consumed with the self-infused notion that the way I looked was important and that it was almost all that mattered.

While some of these things may hold true to a certain extent, what was oblivious to me was my unhealthy emphasis on making a good first impression. Through a season of moulding, God used this seemingly surface-level issue to address a deeper root problem in me.

In the beginning of this year, I developed a serious case of acne. It started as a tiny nagging issue but I did not really pay heed to it, assuming that with proper facial care and rest, it was something that would eventually dissipate.

However, I was proven very wrong, as the condition of my skin continued to worsen at an exponential rate, and I began to feel extremely distressed about my situation. I visited clinics, sought the advice of various dermatologists, tried new facial products, but there was no progress or improvement; on the contrary, it continued to worsen even further.

Many pimples started forming on my cheeks and my forehead at an alarming rate and my face often appeared red and puffy. There were also many acne scars that remained on my face, built up from the many acne cycles I had experienced in a span of 6 months. I was deeply disheartened at the state of my appearance. It felt as if the air of self-confidence in me had collapsed, and I found a crack in my mirror of self-assurance.

I slipped into bouts of depressive mood-swings, and stopped giving people eye contact when engaged in conversations. I very much preferred to stay at home, retracting into a bubble of self-pity. I spoke about this concerning issue to nobody. While I was a complete and utter state of mess on the inside, I did whatever I could to seem fine on the outside.

It came to a breaking point during an evening church service, when I knelt down at my seat, crying to God in utter desperation and asking for an explanation for my circumstance. I could not comprehend what was happening, and I had lost hope in my situation.

God did not leave me in my hapless state as He prompted me to read 1 Samuel 16:7: ‘But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”’

As I read the verse, I took comfort that God viewed me as a child of God — not through my outward appearance, but rather what was on the inside. However, I felt a greater tugging towards a deeper reading of the verse: What, then, was in my heart?

Humility

It didn’t take long for me to evaluate what laid in my heart: Deep-rooted pride. I had placed an unhealthy amount of confidence in my outward appearance and my achievements. These things had often attracted people’s attention and drew many compliments.

It made me feel good, and soon my heart grew fond of receiving more and more positive feedback, deriving “strength” from their remarks. In this process, I also subconsciously developed a judgemental view towards people. As I was confronted with my self-centeredness, I realised that it was necessary to purge pride from my life.


God detests pride, as seen in the book of Proverbs, where verses about pride and humility are littered from beginning to the end (Proverbs 16:18; Proverbs 21:4). C.S. Lewis explains the severity and consequences of pride: “According to Christian teachers, the essential vice, the utmost evil, is Pride. Unchastity, anger, greed, drunkenness, and all that, are mere fleabites in comparison: it was through Pride that the devil became the devil: Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind.”

Over the past 10 months, this personal ordeal has been incredibly humbling. God gradually removed pride from my life, layer by layer — from an attitude of self-sufficiency to my judgemental vision. He taught me that the security I had found in my abilities and outward appearance was merely a façade — short-lived when put through fire.

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:20-21)

Pride develops a mindset that everything we achieve comes solely from our own efforts, and deludes us from recognising that God is the Source. I caught a glimpse into what Job understood: Everything we have comes from God and we are nothing without Him.

Self-Worth

Through this time of healing, He also tore down my idea of self-worth, and replaced it with His perspective of self-worth in Him. He showed me that He was not interested in the accolades I had attained and neither did He judge me based on my outward appearance. He had already demonstrated His love for me by sending His blameless Son to die on the Cross for my transgressions.

God’s relentless love revealed a simple truth to me: I was a child of God, regardless of the achievements attached to my name. He was simply more concerned with the condition of my heart.

Till today, not everything has been made perfect, and I am still being transformed inwardly. While being on medication, my skin turns dry and my lips chap and swell easily; I occasionally break out in rashes over my body and arms. There are days when I feel horrible and crumble back into self-defeat.

However, through this long-drawn period of breakouts I have come to see how God has broken down the different issues that prevented me from becoming more like Christ. He has used my condition to mould my heart, as He showed me my shortcomings and gently realigned me to Christ’s standard.

This extreme makeover is crucial, as it helps in setting us apart for Christ: Clean and willing vessels that He can use to extend His Kingdom on earth. God places us into “fiery” situations, refining us as one refines silver and testing us as gold is tested (Zechariah 13:9).

What is in your heart today? Is there anything in your life that you have placed above God?

Let us not be afraid of God throwing us into the Refiner’s Fire, because He desires the best for us. He is with us through every situation and sovereign in every circumstance. May we strive towards the goal of possessing more of Christ and less of us in our lives, for when we are at our wit’s end, it is when God begins His work in our lives.