Written by: Lemuel Teo (Photo by: Lee Wei Jie)

How should we respond to the fiery, passionate love of God?

Confession: I have an addiction. I need to scroll through my Instagram feed until I reach the first photo of my previous Instagram fix; I force myself to scroll down my YouTube subscriptions until the “watched” label appears on a video I had previously opened. A string of endless tabs are open on my browser — inane Thought Catalog articles, random Facebook photo albums, silly “recommended” YouTube videos — just so I can go back to them later (although I never quite have the time to).

On many occasions, where my body and mind was worn-out from a long day of chionging my assignments, I would still have this inexplicable urge to check through all my social media feeds. With each upward swipe of the thumb, emptiness would slither into heart. In the dark of the night, a spate of despondency and loneliness would creep in, and I would succumb to pornography. It was harrowing; I would put off bedtime by half-an-hour… one hour… one-and-a-half-hours. God had no space in my heart or mind.

This characterised my life for almost two months. I could feel my soul drying up, my heart hardening, my mind becoming increasingly weary. I started caring less for the things that had previously gripped my heart. It was more comfortable to shut myself away from people, and retreat into the world of social media. Most alarmingly, God became an increasingly distant concept to me. I even toyed with the thought that maybe… I could do without God after all.

This dreadful routine wore on and exhausted me until one day, I decided that enough was enough! I tried doing many things to get my life in order — playing the guitar and worshipping God, singing along to YouTube videos, praying with all the earnestness my heart could muster. Yet nothing seemed to work out, I just could not connect with God.

Out of utter despair, I decided to read Proverbs 23 since it was the 23rd day of March. It had been awhile since I tried gleaning from His word, so I was struggling through most of the chapter — they were wise sayings, but largely unrelatable to me — and then I reached verse 26:

26 My son, give me your heart
and let your eyes delight in my ways,
27 for an adulterous woman is a deep pit,
and a wayward wife is a narrow well.
28 Like a bandit she lies in wait
and multiplies the unfaithful among men.
(Proverbs 23:26–28 NIV)

I stopped. I could not read on. I read and re-read verse 26 to 28 over and over again. Right there, as I was sitting on my bed, I knew God was speaking to me. I could feel Him so close to me.

“My son,” the Father was calling me, and restoring my forsaken identity in Him. In the days leading up to this moment, I told myself that I was tired of being the prodigal son. I was a seasoned actor in this play which has extended its run for far too long. I knew the story all too well: get enticed by sin, indulge in it, struggle as a vagrant, return to dad like a dog with its tail between its legs, receive an unexpected welcome, and get restored as a son. I was sick and tired of playing this role and I certainly didn’t want to do it again. But my insolence set me up to cherish this moment even more — Father God was crying out to me, “my son!”

He invited me to give Him my heart. My heart was found in the wrong places — I had given it to potential suitors, to the inflating of my ego, and to the false intimacy pornography provides. In my desperate search for closeness with God, I had strived to appease Him: singing worship songs and praying fervent prayers were ploys to earn intimacy with God. Through doing the “correct” things, I was frantically trying to gain a right standing with God through my own effort. Yet, as I willingly gave my heart to Jesus, I experienced true intimacy. Instead of finding validation from the number of ‘likes’ I got for an Instagram post or how much attention a special girl gives me, giving my heart meant that I sought validation in who He says I am and pleasure in spending time with Him.

God was asking me to let my eyes delight in His ways. The sense of sight is so crucial in social media and pornography as it is the sense that is most stimula. My continual consumption of these media had hardwired my mind and soul to take much delight in what I was seeing: I loved seeing the number of ‘likes’ increasing; my eyes were fed with sensual images or articles (even if they were not explicitly pornographic). An appetite for affirmation on social media eventually developed; I craved for the emotional-high fueled by sensuality. Simply put, I took delight in these idols. But in trying to let my eyes delight in His ways, I began asking myself these questions: What do I see God doing in this situation? What would He want me to do?

Verses 27 and 28 go on to describe the alluring seduction and cunning corruption of sensuality. It attacks us in many forms: highly suggestive articles, erotic stories, and titillating videos. Their attractive offer is a quick, easy and seemingly inconsequential escape from reality and into fantasy, as fleeting as it may be. Almost without fail, guilt then comes smashing down on us like a sledgehammer, breaking our souls and fragmenting our hearts. A sense that we are too unworthy of the Father’s affections overwhelms us.

But today, I call the devil’s bluff! For far too long, we have surrendered to his deceptive schemes. No more!

I pray that we will open our hearts to God’s restorative work. In Ezekiel 36, God promises to draw us into His loving embrace. He desires to cleanse us from all our impurities and remove all shame from our lives. While our hearts might be bent towards idols, He wants to exchange our stony hearts with a heart of flesh. He promises that the Holy Spirit will move us to delight in His ways. God is able to transform your heart!

In this season of restoration, the relentless pursuit of God for my whole heart is incredibly palpable. He greatly desires for me to willingly give Him all of myself, fall passionately in love with Him, and take delight in Him. His love is as strong as death, as zealous as a blazing fire; so steady that even a flood cannot wash it away (Song of Songs 8).

As I have resolved to offer Him my whole heart, may you do so also. He too is pursuing your heart. He pursues you with an everlasting and unfailing love. Yes, you might be wrestling with pornography, insecurities, fear, or unforgiveness, but let us not fixate on how wretched we are or on how we can earn His approval. In the light of His unrelenting love, these things shall fade away like a cloud of ash. Let us receive His zealous love with hands wide open and allow our hearts to be pursued today.

I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. (Jeremiah 31:3 NIV)