Written by: Joseph Koh (Photo by: Lee Wei Jie)

An unspoken human condition

Whenever someone asks me about my (6-month) study stint in Copenhagen, Denmark, I will never fail to rave about the wonders of living abroad. Yet, this often neatly conceals the fact—like placing your house key underneath the doormat—that there have been moments where I’ve never felt more alone. I had to build my seemingly enviable Scandinavian life from scratch and fast, and the loneliness bled into the cracks faster than my progress.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been comfortable telling someone I’m lonely. This is probably stemmed from pride, where I feel that admitting to loneliness is akin to screaming at someone that I’m needy, even among my closest friends. I’ve been lonely at many junctures in my life, from sleepless nights punctuated with endless bed-tossing to acute spells where I grapple with singlehood at 24. The scariest thought has been the fact that I am not alone, yet I feel unmistakably lonely.

We all know that loneliness cannot be simply fixed with band-aids and I do not profess to have found the cure for loneliness, but here are some thoughts about the very times where life appears bleak and overwhelming like the night sky.

1. It is perfectly normal to feel this way, even for a Christian.

Timothy Keller puts it perfectly: “Adam was lonely because he was like God, and therefore, since he was like God, he had to have someone to love, someone to work with, someone to talk to, someone to share with…Loneliness is the one problem you have because you’re made in the image of God”.

Yet, loneliness has been a topic rarely broached in the many “Christian” meetings I’ve been to. In an Asian society, appearing weak tends to be counter-intuitive, as we have been socialised to “save face” from young. Somehow, this societal culture has penetrated the church’s walls instead of Kingdom culture invading the hearts of Singaporeans — our sharing is shrouded in secrecy, vulnerability has often been sidelined for religious bravado, “I’m struggling” is conveniently blanketed by “everything’s all right”. Loneliness, whether refracted in the workplace, ministry or in singlehood, needs to be talked about in every church.

2. Loneliness is a gateway to lies.

When feelings of desolation attack like rapid fire, a lie is encased in the bullet: you are alone, abandoned, and unloved. In these debilitating moments, we tend to entertain grudging fear and insecurities, causing us to feel even hollower than before.

In many conversations I’ve had with guys, loneliness is an almost-customary reason for them to retreat to alcohol, clubbing, pornography, and masturbation — accessible coping mechanisms to numb that ineffable ache, however fleeting.

In The Year of the Flood, Margaret Atwood writes: “You can forget who you are if you’re alone too much”. In that brief yet devastating wave, a surge of negativity can swallow the strength of your spirit and your right to exist. These feelings of isolation never fail to stress that we are all in need of the reminder that we are dearly loved. We are all made for impactful community; kind and gentle words from a loved one could be wielded like sharpened swords in the silent war that is loneliness.

3. “Loneliness is ever an invitation to intimacy.”

I first heard this phrase from Steven Furtick a few years ago and it has nestled in my mind ever since. While we may not be able to withstand the feelings of loneliness, whenever negativity hurtles at us, we can consciously choose to confess our fears and ease into His presence, placid as the ocean bed. I may not have done this frequently, but whenever I do, as “deep calls to deep” (Psalm 42:7), He always finds me and provides me with what is needed to move forward. In the turbulence of emotions, I have learnt that I can dwell in the eye of the hurricane, and re-learn what “Emmanuel” truly means. I can be steadfast in the storm for I am never stuck in a spate of wretched despair. Regardless of the countless times I’ve sent God away previously, He’ll be back like the tide that never fails to kiss the shore.

4. Loneliness points to eternity.

As Christians, we are fully aware that this loneliness shall pass. These pangs of alienation are constant reminders that soon and very soon, the day when these deep longings are fulfilled shall arrive, sweeping like the morning light.

“Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.” (1 Cor 13:12, NLT) While we are not always able to ascertain the cause for these feelings, we live in hope that this restlessness shall be put to sleep one day. In the meantime, let us “wait for it patiently”. (Romans 8:25)

Most importantly, it struck me recently that this aching feeling, which burns like a cauldron on the inside, is felt by God Himself, only intensified many times over. He has “chosen us in him before the foundation of the world” (Ephesians 1:4, ESV); we have always been and will always be on His mind. May loneliness never repel you from the truth that you are always on His mind. May you ever find your home in His arms when the night gets cold and dark.