Written by: Zoe A. Choo (Photo by: Ronald Lim)

How God drew me out from the pit

Many of us have a hard time dealing with life, and we cope with it through different methods and to varying degrees: overloading our schedules, spending inordinate amounts of time on video gaming, or gorging on food. Drug abuse is another well-known coping mechanism as it provides the capacity to escape from reality and the feeling of euphoria, even if only for a brief moment. It is prevalent among many individuals around the world, from industrialised societies to rural areas.

There are many contributing factors as to why people would ingest drugs and subsequently fall into addiction. It could range from having easy access to the substance to peer pressure, or even curiosity. Despite the strict legislations on drug usage and trafficking in Singapore, people are still able to get their hands on them as felonious businessmen have found shrewd ways to distribute these substances, managing to escape the clutches of the law.

Just two years ago, I was both a pothead and a Christian. I convinced myself into believing that smoking weed was actually better than smoking conventional cigarettes. I convinced myself that it had health benefits as weed comes from a natural source, unlike synthetic drugs. Smoking weed alleviated my depression while I was under its effects; having lost my sense of optimism for many years, weed provided me with much relief.

Unlike many drug abusers, I grew up in a rather well-to-do environment — my parents are not divorced, I have a wonderful younger brother, and we live in a comfortable 4-room HDB flat. Academics was not difficult for me, even though I spent more than half the time in school daydreaming. I also came to know Christ at a tender age after attending a Methodist kindergarten.

Given my situation, it should have been unlikely for me to turn to drugs. However, I dreaded my life: I sought the attention and approval of my parents after the birth of my seemingly perfect younger brother; I was an outcast in school due to my eczema and my weight. Every single day I coveted a better life. My circumstance made me angry and bitter as I gripped onto hurts I had sustained through teenagehood. I detested myself and slipped into self-pity; I sunk into a dark cycle of constant torment, and ultimately spiralled down into depression. As I started to nurse suicidal thoughts on a daily basis, I turned to glue-sniffing, above and beyond the smoking and drinking — all these at the tender age of 14.

However, this race towards destruction took a slight detour when my best friend brought me to a warmhearted cell group. Even as my drug withdrawal symptoms emerged — such as unreasonable bursts of anger and dramatic mood swings — they continued to care for me and were patient with me. Their acts of kindness touched me, as I was not used to such genuine love. Above all, I felt God’s tangible presence and love in my life.

Despite such an experience, my life was still trapped in temptation and sin. I fell again, and this time I fell harder than before. When I decided to pick up the pieces by myself, I became a Christian-in-name — I knew of God’s existence yet I lived in a way that disregarded Him. While everything seemed well on the outside, I was self-consumed on the inside. I constantly felt the need to prove to everyone (and myself) that I was capable and self-sufficient; beyond the smiles and “my life is awesome” social media updates, I felt extremely miserable in trying to keep it all together by my own strength.

In late March 2012, the song, “Coming Home” by Diddy ft. Skylar Grey (Part I and II), was playing virtually everywhere I went. I heard it in restaurants, at the mall, and on the radio.

Tell the world I’m coming home

Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday

I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes

I’m coming home, I’m coming home

The chorus latched onto my mind. Although it was a secular song, I knew those words were for me.

On the same weekend in service, the pastor preached a sermon on The Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32). As the pastor re-enacted the scene of the father running to his son, hugging him, and kissing him, it hit me hard. The father did not care a thing about whether his son was deserving to return home or not; he simply loved his son too much to care. In that moment, I felt overwhelmed by God’s love as if I was that son. As I bawled my eyes out, He whispered, “Child, I love you in spite of all that you’ve done. Come back home.” His loving heart brought me to a point of surrender. I remember telling God, “Please, Daddy God, save me from myself. I don’t want to live like this anymore.” My life truly took a turn from that day onwards.

Through the outpouring of God’s love, He re-wired my thinking. The truth in knowing that He accepts me and loves me no matter what has happened in the past gave me renewed strength, hope, peace and joy. As He changed the inside of me, it started to affect my outward behaviour. Apart from giving up the drugs, I have also ridded myself of alcoholism and clubbing. I have managed to completely quit smoking, albeit with a couple of lapses along the way.

I am a much stronger and happier person today, and God is using my troubled past to help girls who are currently going through a similar experience. I have a desire to love others without expecting something in return. In an effort to numb my sense of hopelessness, I became a druggie. But Love and Hope has led me out of this pit and into an abundant life. I have also caught a greater glimpse of the paradox of life: “to live is Christ and to die is gain”. (Philippians 1:21) As the old me dies with each day, I step into a new me; as I lose a part of myself, I only stand to gain.

[author] [author_image timthumb=’on’]https://selah.sg/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/Zoe_Profile-Pic-2.jpg[/author_image] [author_info]ZOE finds writing a two-liner bio tougher than chewing on a buffalo jerky. She also finds her entire life immersed in Dad’s amazing love and grace like a guppy cared for in the ocean. Discover this love and grace @zoelavida. [/author_info] [/author]