Written by: Isabel Phua (Photo by: Ronald Lim)

The ordeal of learning how to drive

When I first learnt to drive a car that did not require a changing of gears and had no need for a clutch release, it seemed imperative to pass on my first try. I had listened to drivers talk about their past experiences and every one of them appeared to hold this opinion: if you do not pass on your first attempt whilst driving an automatic car, you are a bad driver. Thus, I was very confident of passing the driving test on my first attempt.

On 20th November 2014, I walked out of Ubi Driving Centre bawling my eyes out. The heavy downpour made matters worse, as I had forgotten to bring along an umbrella. I felt like an utter failure. However, when my instructor texted me to say that I had gotten the strictest tester and had no hope of passing when tested by him, I felt much better. I immediately told myself, “Okay, that’s the reason why I failed. It wasn’t because I was lousy.” I only realised much later that this was a red flag — I had a deeper issue that has yet to be dealt with.

In the time leading up to my second try, I received many snide remarks. “Huh! How can you fail auto?” “Thankfully you failed, the roads are safer without you.” “Bel, you see she pass on her first try, make sure you pass on your second time!” Firmly believing that I had failed solely because of the tester, I was even more determined to pass on my second attempt. There was no room for another failure.

On my second attempt, I turned my head as I heard my name being called out. I glanced at the TP tester holding my IC and whispered under my breath, “Thank you, God!” It was the tester that everyone had hoped to get! I started to feel excited and thought of how I would break the impending good news to my family and friends.

However, as I drove to my first station, No. 42 Parallel Parking, I struck the curb twice. 26 points. FAILED. It was devastating news as I could no longer lay the blame on the tester for failing. I hit rock bottom when my instructor texted me: “What? You got the best tester, still so nervous. Practise also no use…I don’t know how to help you.” As I made my way back home, I started lamenting to God.

Deep into my disappointment and frustration, I heard a still, small voice that said, “I am teaching you to be meek and humble.” As I practised and waited for my third test, this voice kept coming back to me.

Pride often stems from insecurity, and it springs up when we fixate on ourselves. I was no different. Hidden underneath the drive (no pun intended) to pass my driving test was an unmet need to prove myself as worthy — to demonstrate that my skills and abilities were good enough. I had sleepless nights because I harboured a fear of failure for my third test. I was brash and loud, quick to defend myself whenever someone asked how it was possible to fail whilst driving an automatic car.

Pride x Humility

“Pride is your greatest enemy, humility is your greatest friend.”

-John R.W. Stott 

Pride was the very reason that separated Adam and Eve from God as they doubted Him and thought that they knew better. It centres on self-righteousness, whereby we worship and glorify ourselves. Psalm 10:4 (ESV) explains, “In the pride of his face the wicked does not seek him; all his thoughts are, ‘There is no God.’” Pride blinds us into thinking that there is no need for God, or that we deserve the glory.

In contrast, humility is simply remembering that we are but dust (Psalm 103:14) and that we cannot be compared to His glory (Job 25:4–6). Humility comes from the Latin root word humus, which means “ground” or “earth.” It is only when we humble ourselves that we can acknowledge our spiritual poverty, compelling us to cry out to God to save us.

The Pleasure of Pride

Pride is pleasurable, because whenever we boast or revel in our strengths, it makes us feel good and self-sufficient — the flesh is being fed. However, this satisfaction is merely temporal.

Jeremiah 9:23–24 (NASB) reveals, “Thus says the Lord, ‘Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, and let not the mighty man boast of his might, let not a rich man boast of his riches; but let him who boasts boast of this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the Lord who exercises lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things.’” The glory in self-aggrandisement cannot be compared to the delight we find in God!

C.S. Lewis explains, “The pleasure of pride is like the pleasure of scratching. If there is an itch, one does want to scratch; but it is much nicer to have neither the itch nor the scratch. As long as we have the itch of self-regard we shall want the pleasure of self-approval; but the happiest moments are those when we forget our precious selves and have neither but have everything else (God, our fellow humans, animals, the garden, and the sky) instead.” When we start to take delight in God than in ourselves, this itching and scratching shall dissipate; when all we desire is to pursue what brings joy to God’s heart, we will be cognisant of how the pleasure of pride pales in comparison to knowing His heart for us.

Confidence in Christ

“The cure for our insecurity is not to become more secure in ourselves, but more confident in God. Confidence in God is the core of Christian humility.”

-Betsy Childs

Apart from recognising that we are incomparable with the glory of God, humility is also intimately connected to the identity that God has given to us: we are His children whom He loves deeply. When we grow in our understanding of our true identities, we unearth a divine confidence in our Heavenly Father because we know that His love does not waver according to our performance and that He only wants the best for us.

Too often do we find assurance in our own abilities and trust in our own limited knowledge. Personally, I found confidence in my own skills and in my driving instructor’s praises, which only led to failure and destruction. The Bible tells us otherwise: “It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in people. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes” (Psalm 118:8–9 NLT). Confidence in God is built on remembering that we worship a perfect Heavenly Father, allowing us to trust in His Word, character, and promises.

Through the rollercoaster journey of learning how to drive, I had to constantly remind myself that God knows the best for me whenever the nagging fear of failure cropped up; I kept telling myself that His timing is perfect. I soon started to understand that should I fail once again, my worth as a person is not undermined because my identity is not contingent on my abilities but as His beloved child. When I found rest in the knowledge that His grace catches me and lifts me through failure, a confidence (that I had never possessed in my previous attempts) started to grow.

On 7th April 2015, I took my third driving test with a peace I had never found, and I passed with 8 demerit points! *Hurray* At the end of this “ordeal,” I told myself that if I had to travail through those two failures again, I would, for it has moulded me to be more like Christ. It has taught me meekness (to be gentle and understanding; to forgive and overlook perceived insults) and humility (to know that my identity and confidence can only be found in Christ Jesus).

If you are going through a humbling experience, my prayer is that you will first recognise that the treasures of this world — especially in self-sufficiency — will not satisfy your soul; instead it will dry you out and leave it empty. May you find confidence in His unchanging character and in your identity as His precious child. Be assured that His grace has always been and is enough — it will unflinchingly carry you through the fires of refinement.

[author] [author_image timthumb=’off’]https://selah.sg/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Isabel_bio.jpg[/author_image] [author_info]ISABEL doesn’t bother about brands, be it in terms of fashion or the chicken essence. She also has a heart for the nations. Catch a glimpse of this heart @ipxyyy.[/author_info] [/author]