Written by: Joseph Koh (Photo by: Lee Wei Jie)

All I wanted was to fit in

Throughout my schooling days, I was always picked on as the “banana” or “jiak gantang” among my friends — a reference to my lack of proficiency in the Chinese Language. Unbeknownst to most of them, being half-Peranakan, I grew up in an environment where only English (more like Singlish really) and Baba Malay were spoken. It is highly probable that I spoke Malay before uttering a single Chinese syllable. Even with Chinese tuition being a regular fixture for 12 agonising years in my life, my enunciation has never been regarded as “Chinese enough.”

I’ve always straddled between the assumedly delineated lines of CMIO: the least Chinese among my Chinese peers and nowhere Malay enough when hanging out with my Malay friends. The complications of my ethnicity, signposted by an occasionally awkward Chinese accent and even by my angmoh-ness, have aggravated this search for acceptance; this innocuous desire to simply fit in.

All of us long for acceptance, and we look for it in different ways — when we’re picked on as a “weirdo”,  all we yearn for is to be understood as “normal”; when we can only dream of fitting into a size 2 dress, all we think of is shedding those pounds. This search could be a lifelong one, as the caustic words of others are often a bitter pill that we cannot seem to swallow.

Looking for Self-Love

This tiresome hunt for acceptance is intrinsically a quest for self-love. We all dream of being comfortable with the public projection of ourselves; we all want to approve of the person standing in the mirror. Sadly, this very quest for self-love is often driven by self-hate; our minds wind round and round the aspects of ourselves that don’t quite fit in, causing us to make desperate attempts in rectifying them.

Self-hate could even be incited by people in the church — a place that is ostensibly a refuge for all. The church could preach a certain frame of uniformity: clean-cut with no tattoos, middle-class, English-educated. Anyone that falls outside this morally cordoned boundary feels alienated. I have had friends who grew jaded of their faith community as they felt that they fell too far away from the church’s righteous brand of Christianity.

Culture > Bible

Beyond my botched Chinese-ness, there have been numerous instances where I struggled with self-love as I was an outlier; a misfit at best. I’ve never been classified as a Type-A, alpha male — what a couple of my friends casually categorise as a “man’s man.” I’ve never been boisterously self-confident; I have not been bestowed with a deep, “manly” voice that bellows across the room; I am not a fitness buff. When it comes to gender performativity, men who fail to align faultlessly with the mould shall forfeit their masculinity.

As I reflected on the (often unspoken) pressure to perform according to the ideals of this gender stereotype, I realised that our self-concept is determined far more by culture than what the Bible accords. This is exemplified by many characters in the Old Testament, who like Jephthah (Judges 11) ignored what the scriptures said about God and consistently looked to pagan culture’s abstraction of God and life.

God does not look at our appearance and “does not look at the things people look at” (1 Samuel 16:7), hence we do not need to get hooked on living up to social presumptions of “macho pride” or “emphasised femininity.” When it comes to my manhood, I ought to consider characteristics of biblical masculinity — a man who is unashamed of the gospel; a man who does not hide in the shadows of silence and is open to honest accountability in relationships; a man who goes all out in loving his family, church, and city, wrecking the gates of hell without inhibition.

If we unremittingly struggle with our failures in matching up to a certain societal expectation, especially when are excluded from social circles, our minds (and self-concept) are often in need of renewal (Romans 12:2). We need to look to the Word of God to centre ourselves on truth, which is unshakeable like a tested vow.

Inadequacies are Actually Invitations

There are days when there is palpable pressure to fit in. I have felt the need to appear as smart as everyone else in the room; I have mindlessly bowed to Singapore’s version of success: the prolific professional swaddled with prestige and prosperity; I have been blindsided by the need to brandish my accomplishments, as if these revealed the essence of who you are.

Whenever I brood over how I don’t quite fit the mould, inadequacy descends upon me like an avalanche. Inadequacy upon inadequacy disgorges into my heart, fracturing any remaining self-confidence into tiny ruins. One day, as I laid broken underneath the rubble, God rummaged through the mire and uncovered me. He whispered, “Joseph, inadequacies are invitations to find who you are in Me.” My soul immediately found release; the accusatory thoughts put to indefinite rest.

The world exhorts us to embrace imperfection as it discloses our own unique beauty, enabling us to accept and find ourselves in the process. The Dove Campaign for Real Beauty, for example, features real women who fall outside society’s constrained and cruel rendition of “beautiful.” While this allowance for imperfection should be lauded, I believe that this manner of self-discovery is still incomplete, because there will be nights when your courage blacks out as self-hate and self-pity pummel you to the floor.

When we amplify our self that is in the world rather than who we are in Christ, we easily shut out the inviolable and loving acceptance of God. He has made you exactly like how He imagined you to be — physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. He takes delight in everything about you as He never fails to see you through the eyes of love (Isaiah 43:4). We cannot live for our acceptance; we ought to live from our acceptance.

Courageous Living

As we lay hold of our identity in Christ with greater verve, we will not only stop pandering for the acceptance of others, we will cease to inhabit safe, boring lives. We transcend being people-pleasers, no longer strangled by the anticipation of their judgements; we will not sway to the dictates of the wind. In the same way that Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego refused to bow to the ground and worship King Nebuchadnezzar’s golden statue like the rest of the people (Daniel 3:7-17), we shall possess the faith needed to stand our ground in countering culture (Matthew 5:14). We shall find the strength to look fear in the eye, and sweep into territories previously unimagined.

If you have been crying out for man’s acceptance, may you grasp the total acceptance you possess in Christ Jesus to such a measure that your heart will instead cry out to be all that you were created to be in Him. As God’s love overtakes your heart, His thoughts shall be your thoughts and His ways shall be your ways. May your loving Father be your one and only — the sole person you seek to please.